I have finally taken a step outside of my conscious denial comfort zone and opened my laptop today. I have even logged on to my website and looked at my blog. I know I have been avoiding doing that. I know that there is a reason. Yet somehow the seemingly simple act has been something I have been avoiding for a long time. I have been in conscious denial – avoiding the very act of logging on as it will make me face something I haven’t wanted to face. I have been avoiding writing. Which in a way is avoiding expressing myself. My logical rational mind can justify all of the reasons in the world why I have not written – I have been busy, like super busy with work and travel and life. I have a lot of other stuff going on – like emotional roller coaster stuff. Yet they are all excuses, allowing me to sit safely in denial or avoidance. Like the gym habit or the eating healthy or all of the amazing stuff that we do that ultimately makes us feel good, yet we don’t actually do (still haven’t figured the true reason why I can go from hard core gym junky to sloth on the sofa). But writing is a way for me to deal with my feelings, to process stuff. It’s not that I haven’t been processing stuff, I am getting better and better at holding things lightly and letting go of outcomes, in fact I have surprised the shit out of myself this year how I have managed NOT to react to all of the fun stuff that life throws at you.
Yet I still have been avoiding writing on here. On a public forum. For so many reasons I don’t even want to go into – but what I realised amongst the busy and the adulting and the life stuff, I didn’t think that anything I had to say was worthy of sharing. Bam. That old chestnut of self worth. It had gone and crept its way into my creativity, my life blood, the very stuff that keeps me living and breathing. It’s ironic as I am story teller by nature, I live my life through cultivating stories and narrating life into packages of beginning middles and ends (like any good story). And in the past I have never felt fear to share, to put it out there. But here I find myself not even logging on, simply because I can’t. Or I won’t. The busyness merely an excuse and a well crafted disguise for my fear and my insecurity . Conscious denial I call it – simply because if I have bothered to look at it, I mean really sit with the “why” I was avoiding it so much, I would’ve seen that well worn story of I am not enough. There, it’s out there. Sounds so fucking simplistic, like I think I should be perfect. But then I know that this is what we all do. We avoid, we deny we don’t fully show up because everything is not perfect, we are not perfect. So instead of having a go, trying despite the fact we might not have it all, we simply rest into doing nothing at all. And what a great tool that becomes to confirm for ourselves how shit we are (see the cycle? don’t do something because we are not perfect, then berate ourselves for not doing it, sound familiar??) Oh dear mind you are a tricky one sometimes.
So today I write. It’s not perfect, it’s not magical or my best and maybe no one even reads it, but it is sure as hell the only way I know to kick that bitch “I am not enough” to the curb as trying as a damn sight better than excuses. And it feels good. So here’s to imperfect and doing shit despite not feeling like and it just having a go. Happy end of the year, what a good time to get out of denial and into the zone just outside comfort.